This is not a recipe blog.

Not writing anymore

2009-09-10T07:10:00.000+08:00

I have 100 pages of reading and a report to write by tonight but I decided to come here instead because I suddenly felt like it. I miss something. I want to write beautiful things. But I can't.

Carry you home

2009-08-08T12:44:00.010+08:00

Trouble is her only friend and he's back again.
Makes her body older than it really is.
She says it's high time she went away,
No one's got much to say in this town.
Trouble is the only way is down.
Down, down.

As strong as you were, tender you go.
I'm watching you breathing for the last time.
A song for your heart, but when it is quiet,
I know what it means and I'll carry you home.
I'll carry you home.

If she had wings she would fly away,
And another day God will give her some.
Trouble is the only way is down.
Down, down.

As strong as you were, tender you go.
I'm watching you breathing for the last time.
A song for your heart, but when it is quiet,
I know what it means and I'll carry you home.
I'll carry you home.

And they all want pretty in New York City tonight,
And someone's little girl was taken from the world tonight,
Under the Stars and Stripes.

As strong as you were, tender you go.
I'm watching you breathing for the last time.
A song for your heart, but when it is quiet,
I know what it means and I'll carry you home.
I'll carry you home.

"I have another interpretation. This song can actually tells about a girl who came to the States for something, let's say to find a job. But it could possibly because she was forced to. After she arrived here, what she's got is only trouble. For some unclear reason, this girl is going to die, and James promises her to bring her back to her country." - source (don't mind the grammar)

Before you attack me about being all pessimistic and accusing me of asking for bad things to happen - no I am not, I am merely attaching another song that I just realize...could be for me. So I googled for some interpretations of the song and tadahh... As far as the leaving issue goes, I am already approaching the acceptance stage and I am not in denial about it anymore (doesn't mean I'm any less sad). In fact I would write a proper post on it but it's taking too much time. Really, the best part about going to a famous place is the many songs written about it. Hahah.

Cheers to all the sad people in the world.

A quickie

2009-07-31T04:20:00.000+08:00

I'm so tired of living

A short announcement

2009-07-19T06:03:00.006+08:00

I have this sudden urge to puasa blog (abstain from blogging wtf as if I'm not doing enough of that already). Because I'm getting tired of myself, like I believe people are tired of me (although it's heavier on the latter because I still very much love my ways)

So this is me missing indefinitely.

(But who knows maybe I won't get to disappear at all maybe I'll get very emo tomorrow and come running to this blog ^^ or maybe I'll secretly open a new blog and write un/anonymously over there because I feel like it hmmm)

But I'm still going to upload vain pictures on Facebook.

Story of my life

2009-07-06T15:04:00.022+08:00

From this point onward

2009-06-27T03:29:00.013+08:00

I never thought I'd see the day when my postings are this rare. Ah, where do I start... Honestly I can't see myself updating frequently for now, and I can only imagine myself getting busier in the near future. Although that doesn't pass as an excuse seeing that I had time for other matters. Thing is I can't be bothered to use my head now, and I don't want to, because it defeats the point of summer. You know how I tend to go over a lot of details before I start tapping on the keyboard...and once I jump in I would have a tough time getting out. I still love constructing posts out of lengthy elaborations that only I find relevant. I love jotting down the lines and reading them again at a later time, and feel as I did when I first wrote them. But right now the words don't come. What began as an effort to detach myself from reality (you know, the whole mind over matter and you not being your mind shit) has gotten the better of me. The broodings had proven handy when I had to write my essay the night before the deadline, but even now that I've been accepted, am I happy? I'm not, so I don't see the point anymore.

Was I this much of a wreck before college? I was emotional, sure, but not to the extent of being this troubled, overthinking monster that I have turned into. One time it was to the point where I needed to watch a football game to empty my head, and that says a lot. It feels like I had defied the law of nature some point somewhere; like I'd disrupted a strong established cycle that must not be messed with, and everything is tumbling down in a series of chain reactions. Life didn't use to be this difficult. Why is everything so harsh to me now? I just. Want. The simple things. Do you know what my graduation plan was? All I wanted was to go to a private college, get a lover, and be happily stupid. How ironic is it that I'm only stuck with the opposite now? I did end up in a private institution, but I understated the pivotal role of location - and what difference does privatization make considering how I got there anyway. I know those wishes of mine were kind of specific, but they aren't too much to ask for are they? A lot of people have them easy and take these things like they're a common, sure part of life.

God knows how much I hate this whole going abroad ordeal. It has been ruining my life since day one. I hate that the first thing my parents talk to me about upon seeing my face is this, my preparations, because when we talk about this thing we don't talk; we shout and yell at each other. It makes me want to go out all the time so I wouldn't have to face them or these questions, and when I'm home I don't even bother leaving my room. When we fight, the point when my mother ~~asks~~ yells at me if I want this - to go or not - is when I stop retorting with anything. I don't know what I want. I hoped to fail my medical check-up so I won't have to decide, but I passed. I hoped that the H1N1 outbreak would grow so bad the US would have to completely shut its doors from outsiders - but it's not happening. So I took the cowardly way and responded through email (where voice-raisings and cutting one another are obsolete), one night during one of my unstable fits - twas a simple line of "What if I don't want to?" - but it went unreplied, never once addressed in fact. Heh. Oh god it'll be July soon.

I've had four C's and uncountable B's. I know many people hate me that I'm this lucky. My brother wants the scholarship so bad, because he knows our family is not in possession of the funds for a private ~~education~~ environment, and just as I did he would hate to be shoved into the cheaper options. If I could have it my way I wouldn't think twice about transferring this blessing/burden to him. When he fretted to me about getting his first B for add math, the quickest no-brainer of a consolation that came out of my mouth was "Shut up I've only ever gotten a C at best." And then I realized that's not much of a consolation at all, so I shut up. I know I'm not better than him studies wise; I'm just bloody lucky. I realize there are many people out there who would kill for this opportunity, and just as many who would kill me if I bail out on this. I also know that this won't end here and I foresee a lot more painful mulling overs such as this in the future. But what can I say? At this stage of my life it has become clear to me that I have one of the most ridiculous hearts in this world.

Sometimes I feel like this is all unnecessary, maybe it's just all in my head or maybe I'm taking everything too seriously. On days like today when I am stable I can say that. My younger sister is recently diagnosed with Asperger's syndrome - a PDD, which means there is no cure. They don't have established causes for this, but they say it could be genetics. Before we knew there was a reason for her behavior, judging her like every normal kid, we thought she was throwing irrational tantrums - we scolded her. My point is whatever those messed up genes are I could have them in me too. I do consider myself normal, because I am old enough to be capable of self-control and normal enough on the outside to appear...normal. While I know from experience that unleashing the whole of myself would only tire people of me, self-controlling is tiring me. And at points, suffocating. You know how some people are ahead of their time? I'm not born for this country. Maybe if I had grown up in another place or another planet life would have been fine and dandy.

I know how blessed I am when it comes to matters of the academics...but there is nothing else that I want more than to trade that advantage with the privilege of more trivial things. Like being able to go out past 12 10 pm. Or to have more pocket money. Or simply to not have my dear belongings lost easily. Unless I have an abundance of allowance to replace the kindness that I have wasted. Even if just physically. I am okay with the few things I don't get to have...because I never felt like I deserve vacations abroad, or a car of my own for example. But I think I deserve to not have to cry my eyes out over every big academic decision? There have been three major depressive episodes in my life so far, and the culprit to all three is, no surprise, education. Out of all things. And they usually have a huge impact on me because they closely involve my parents, and overlap with a few things that I already hate about Malaysia. That is why I have a very personal relationship with this country - I endure shit because of it. I wish I'm stupid enough so I won't care where I end up at, or if not that, not so financially lacking that I can't end up where I want to? Maybe rich enough to jump on the next flight home, any random weekend should I feel like it?

Look at me. I am not in the states yet; I only applied to their schools - and look where it has brought me. Already it's swayed me into the other direction, so fast I can't keep up (down?) with my own friends. I'm always saying the wrong thing, wearing the wrong thing... Is that a good or a bad thing? I can think of plenty of reasons why I don't write now. Maybe it was only easy to churn out questioning depressing lines when I was that sad kid who was stuck in ghost town. Maybe I'm slowly recovering my old self now, and the old me didn't write like this. Maybe I write so many official emails everyday it turns me off to write for other things that I don't have a deadline to. Maybe by writing what's happening to me now, I would be enforcing their existence - and I don't want to make them real. Maybe I'm too busy living the summer break and distracting myself from all those that I don't want to make real, while I still can. Because the summer holidays have been all too bad and too good.

The next time I write this long, it'll be about sweets and candies.

Teluk Cempedak, June 2009.

I'm tired of these sunsets

2009-05-29T04:15:00.023+08:00

In the light of the sun
Is there anyone? Oh it has begun
Oh dear you look so lost,
Eyes are red and tears are shed
The world you must have crossed, you said...

You don't know me
You don't even care, oh yeah
You said, you don't know me
You don't wear my chains...oh yeah

Essential yet appealed
Carry all your thoughts, across an open field
When flowers gaze at you
They're not the only ones
Who cry when they see you
You said...

You don't know me
You don't even care...oh yeah
You said, you don't know me
You don't wear my chains...oh yeah

She said I think I'll go to Boston
I think I'll start a new life
I think I'll start it over, where no one knows my name
I'll get out of California, I'm tired of the weather
I think I'll get a lover and fly 'em out to Spain

I think I'll go to Boston,
I think that I'm just tired
I think I need a new town, to leave this all behind
I think I need a sunrise, I'm tired of the sunset
I hear it's nice in the summer, some snow would be nice...oh yeah

I'm a strictly melody person. Probably had been due to the years of musical lessons; I've trained my ears to watch out primarily for tonal progression and layers of sounds, when I listen to a song. That was how it was easy for me to tolerate or come to love songs that I don't understand. There are probably just about four songs that I like for their lyrics? If I'm not so much seething with anger right now I would probably tell you to not speak to me about lame, because I know it's lame that I'm putting up the lyrics to a song to convey something that I don't want to say myself, but anyway.

This song Boston, by Augustana is among the few that I adore for the story it tells. In fact I think it might had been written for me.

Being aimless kills me

2009-05-19T04:51:00.029+08:00

Hieeee there. I really was going to start updating regularly again, especially now that I'm free of commitments but at the moment (over a week now...), I find myself short of things to say. I'm even running out of things to do at home. I'd put up some photos, but I haven't been taking any. I could babble on about something insignificant and be done with three paragraphs before I know it, but oh, if only I had something to babble on about. Yeah, that's how empty my life is right now. I could tell you my worries though, because they're honestly probably my sole accomplishment when not sleeping or watching American Idol repeats (I'm all for the dark horse btw, go go Kris Allen!) - but I've figured that I'm going to stop acknowledging them. Even if I whip up a few thoughtful paragraphs about them they're likely to end up being privatized anyway... I don't know. Sometimes burying your head in the sand can be the best thing to do.

I think I've overlooked some of the ways that I've oriented myself to, that came with the routine of going to classes. These days I don't even get to wear my new clothes out. And since I no longer do weekly interstate travels, even KLCC felt far... Those, of course, occur due to the fact that I am cooped up at home dressing like a housewife most of the time now. Instead of living life like every decent youngster, I spend my days sleeping the ridiculous tropical heat away...and any plan that I make to go out goes destroyed because I cannot bring myself to wake up. Don't you guys think it's been outrageously hot recently? And TNB has the decency to cut off the electricity supply of my neighborhood for 8 divine hours tomorrow (technically today) so I'm gonna have to lug my butt out of the house no matter what! Or risk waking up in a pool of sweat. And die of boredom after that. (No aircond, television, or the internet - are you kidding?)

Oh and I totally lied about not taking any picture...hehehe anyone missed my face? I hear camwhoring boosts your self esteem *slaps self*

P/S: Do you know how it feels like to look around and see that everybody has found their shore, while you're left alone drifting in the ocean...okay enough with the analogy, I can tell you it sucks.

The ones that got it right

2009-05-08T05:10:00.000+08:00

Sometimes when I feel all helpless or down, I would unmindfully type it out into the google search bar and would always be surprised by what I find - be it rants by other people about the same topic (which I thought only I complain about, and they always magically got it all right too), or suggestions on how to overcome it on wikiHow. I love how helpful the internet can be<3 and simply how it's saved my life in so many ways. I learned how to cook rice and spray my hair from youtube.

I love the little gems that I stumble upon on the net. I'm gonna share with you some of these that I love and can relate to most:

But what if I already know? Can I be spared then?

I wanted to smile at this, but screw it April was such a hot month!!

Have you ever thought about if the things that enter our lives and how they intertwine are truly random, or actually predetermined? If every person on earth is interconnected to each other, or if we are the separate beings that we are?

I want :(

I have been trying to live life unbuttoned like that ever since I stopped fearing death and consequences, but then something bad is bound to happen and take my enthusiasm away. Sometimes people and circumstances won't let me. Even when I do try, I'm stuck at #2 because I'm broke. Sigh. All were taken from half-heartedly.

To uncertainty once again

2009-05-06T04:39:00.018+08:00

Hello again everyone. This is a new blog, but yes, you're reading me all the same. A fresh start was not what I contemplated in my ad hoc hiatus; neither was it ever in the plan - but I couldn't bring myself to spill the things I was going to, where I used to, because I was somewhat disgusted :S I wanted to talk about turning over a new leaf and cleansing my jaded soul, but I was afraid that a subconscious caution of breaking the flow would cancel my very point. So yes, as of today, no more seeing vibrant colors of a banana tree as my ex-roommate (yes now an ex homg) had once described it. This arial font will speak as my new mature voice.

I haven't really been busy in these three weeks...just preoccupied. I guess I've been stalling, that’s all. Surrendering to the ticking clock, waiting for closure to sink in, and like I said, cleansing my poor polluted soul. During this period of preoccupation, I'd found myself a new favorite ice cream flavor. Overworked and fried my internal organs till rashes started forming on my face due to the heat. Stayed out overnight in the city on a spontaneous escape, after the horror of my bio paper. I'd also felt most content, finished college, and gone through huge fights with the parents, before becoming drastically poorer (in a tragic non-humorous way), reuniting with my favorite islands, and having my world crumble subsequently after. I haven't been properly posting because I wanted the goodness to last long enough. I wanted to stay. This is not to say that I liked where I was, you should know, but I wasn't ready to move on...

I had this initial thought that I was gonna be all excited once my final paper was over - because then I would start living again. I'd already mentally constructed this post; a pictorial one, comprised of a single photo of our empty room and a mention of how glad I am that the day has come. But I never went ahead with it because I had turned out feeling trapped, suffocated, and miserable instead. Digging into my wallet for donations to the Malaysian toll (50 sen pun nak, pfft) and looking through puzzling KL road signs took my mind off them, but even then, I couldn't enjoy my nasi lemak as much because I'd been up for 51 hours by that point. The aftermath of that? For about three days or so, I voiced out only air. My farewell to-do list is now two things short, but no, this is not in any way myself preparing. I'm sad because I've trained myself to being lost and navigating my way around places, and it showed. It showed a lot while I was at UH for a psychiatric appointment for my sister last week. And I did this all for the big US of A - but I'm getting to know this country so much now :(

I have small dreams

It just really hit me, that being done with Nilai only meant that I should begin preparing for the states, and I sure as hell am not stoked about that. In fact the only thing that's keeping me calm now is the tiny probability of not going (don't judge me). Physically distancing myself from the pretentious bunch has detached me from the confining moulds they created for me, so that too has made me feel better about myself. I don't feel like I'm one of them anymore. I feel normal again and I ~~like~~ love it like hell.

They say your college years are supposed to be your best, but the couple of years in Nilai have not been mine at all. I guess it wouldn't be an exaggeration to say that they have aged me by at least a decade. I know you want to go to great schools and have perfect GPAs, but you people could've also just left me alone, you know... I've wasted two years of my life just to grow - quoting the psychic Facebook quiz - so old I never want to come back. I've gotten wiser definitely, stronger supposedly...but for years of life that I'm not even anticipating so what for... My head is incredibly messed up that a mere few minutes on the swing had already sent me lying down on the bench out of headache. I wished I could be transformed into Rip van Winkle, nap right there and wake up only 20 years later. On my lowest days I pray that I don't have to wake up at all. Or that the water would drown me, while in the shower. This is a different but similar uncertainty from two years ago; the idea of suicide is very tempting but some things just don't change do they? I'm still too chicken to act.

But don't worry about me :). Those who genuinely do, have always been and you don't know how thankful I am that you guys exist. For now I guess I still have the 100 bucks that Maryam will owe me to live for, for when she gets married AND have babies. (I've recorded it down so I won't forget!) Growing up sucks doesn't it? I turn 19 in six months.

Will the world be different when I wake up?