To uncertainty once again

Hello again everyone. This is a new blog, but yes, you're reading me all the same. A fresh start was not what I contemplated in my ad hoc hiatus; neither was it ever in the plan - but I couldn't bring myself to spill the things I was going to, where I used to, because I was somewhat disgusted :S I wanted to talk about turning over a new leaf and cleansing my jaded soul, but I was afraid that a subconscious caution of breaking the flow would cancel my very point. So yes, as of today, no more seeing vibrant colors of a banana tree as my ex-roommate (yes now an ex homg) had once described it. This arial font will speak as my new mature voice.

I haven't really been busy in these three weeks...just preoccupied. I guess I've been stalling, that’s all. Surrendering to the ticking clock, waiting for closure to sink in, and like I said, cleansing my poor polluted soul. During this period of preoccupation, I'd found myself a new favorite ice cream flavor. Overworked and fried my internal organs till rashes started forming on my face due to the heat. Stayed out overnight in the city on a spontaneous escape, after the horror of my bio paper. I'd also felt most content, finished college, and gone through huge fights with the parents, before becoming drastically poorer (in a tragic non-humorous way), reuniting with my favorite islands, and having my world crumble subsequently after. I haven't been properly posting because I wanted the goodness to last long enough. I wanted to stay. This is not to say that I liked where I was, you should know, but I wasn't ready to move on...

I had this initial thought that I was gonna be all excited once my final paper was over - because then I would start living again. I'd already mentally constructed this post; a pictorial one, comprised of a single photo of our empty room and a mention of how glad I am that the day has come. But I never went ahead with it because I had turned out feeling trapped, suffocated, and miserable instead. Digging into my wallet for donations to the Malaysian toll (50 sen pun nak, pfft) and looking through puzzling KL road signs took my mind off them, but even then, I couldn't enjoy my nasi lemak as much because I'd been up for 51 hours by that point. The aftermath of that? For about three days or so, I voiced out only air. My farewell to-do list is now two things short, but no, this is not in any way myself preparing. I'm sad because I've trained myself to being lost and navigating my way around places, and it showed. It showed a lot while I was at UH for a psychiatric appointment for my sister last week. And I did this all for the big US of A - but I'm getting to know this country so much now :(


I have small dreams

It just really hit me, that being done with Nilai only meant that I should begin preparing for the states, and I sure as hell am not stoked about that. In fact the only thing that's keeping me calm now is the tiny probability of not going (don't judge me). Physically distancing myself from the pretentious bunch has detached me from the confining moulds they created for me, so that too has made me feel better about myself. I don't feel like I'm one of them anymore. I feel normal again and I like love it like hell.

They say your college years are supposed to be your best, but the couple of years in Nilai have not been mine at all. I guess it wouldn't be an exaggeration to say that they have aged me by at least a decade. I know you want to go to great schools and have perfect GPAs, but you people could've also just left me alone, you know... I've wasted two years of my life just to grow - quoting the psychic Facebook quiz - so old I never want to come back. I've gotten wiser definitely, stronger supposedly...but for years of life that I'm not even anticipating so what for... My head is incredibly messed up that a mere few minutes on the swing had already sent me lying down on the bench out of headache. I wished I could be transformed into Rip van Winkle, nap right there and wake up only 20 years later. On my lowest days I pray that I don't have to wake up at all. Or that the water would drown me, while in the shower. This is a different but similar uncertainty from two years ago; the idea of suicide is very tempting but some things just don't change do they? I'm still too chicken to act.

But don't worry about me :). Those who genuinely do, have always been and you don't know how thankful I am that you guys exist. For now I guess I still have the 100 bucks that Maryam will owe me to live for, for when she gets married AND have babies. (I've recorded it down so I won't forget!) Growing up sucks doesn't it? I turn 19 in six months.


Will the world be different when I wake up?